Some days I wake up and I’m just not feeling it. It’s to the point that just laying in bed and doing nothing feels perfect. Sometimes it’s so bad that I don’t want contact with anyone. My mom always told me to stop being so available, and that’s a lesson I have yet to learn. When my phone rings I’m quick to answer and reply to texts. It could be friends, family or whatever new dude I decided to entertain. But recently, the feeling of wanting to be left alone came more and more frequent. People that I would always answer for, would now get the ignore. I mean honestly it wasn’t my fault and before long, the blame came. “Why didn’t you answer me?” “Where have you been”? “I needed to vent to you.” “I NEEDED YOU.” I would see the messages and the guilt of not being mentally available turned into lies..
“Oh I didn’t see it.” “Oh I wasn’t by my phone.” When in reality I just wanted to be left alone. How could I say this without letting everyone down? Somehow I placed my lows on the back burner in order to lift others up…hmmm how does that make sense? I could figuratively be drowning in my own tears and no one would’ve even cared. I mean I truly wouldn’t know that because how could I express to the people that looked to me, that I’m just as broken as them? With no where to go, the breakdowns almost became crippling. I didn’t want to leave the house. I stayed in, windows shut and phone on DND. It’s weird… I found myself to be happy this way.
A couple months ago a new man came into my life and noticed the things about myself no one else did. Not only was I broken and bitter, but I was in such a dark place. Mentally the only place I would go, was inside my own mind. He noticed there was something missing…and he pushed me to seek help. Unfortunately, since there is a new guy in my life, people feel I’ve pushed them away because of him, but in reality everyone has been pushed away. I’ve just made myself available in the midst of all the pain. But now to have someone that will make you put yourself first, it’s almost scary.
Going to see a therapist and her letting me know that I have situational depression was a wake up call. I allowed a season in my life to last longer than it needed to. There have been times when my boyfriend has stopped me from drinking my life away and damn near ruining myself. Working on myself I’ve started getting thicker, as I was small as hell at one point. My hair is starting to grow and my skin is glowing. I’m happier and starting my blog was a way to release a lot of my pain. I say all of this to say this::
People that care about you will understand that you come first. My cousin Ryan had to help me see that certain things aren’t healthy for your life and consistent breaks are needed. If I don’t want to come to your dinner, to the club, or chill on your couch, it’s not you, it’s me. I need time for me. I am broken and I am attempting to become whole. I am not prefect…I can admit that.