trau·ma

When we first meet someone we are instantly attracted to something physical and if not physical, it’s their personality. We tend to boast about their looks, their career, their body, their smile, and their lifestyle. Many of us take all of these things and imagine a life with them. Time goes on, we meet their family, learn about their past relationships, meet a couple of their close friends and assume we all have it figured out.

Let’s be honest, we are missing by far the HARDEST, yet most important step that almost everyone tends to skip and that’s talking about: Life Trauma. Whether it occurs during childhood or adult life, trauma can be considered:

  • Physical abuse
  • Mental abuse
  • Molestation
  • Rape
  • Bullying
  • Car Accidents
  • Death
  • Mental Illness
  • Separation/Divorce
  • Stress
  • War
  • Poverty
  • Anything that had a life altering effect.

I think we tend to skip this conversation because it’s such a difficult conversation to have. I mean, who really wants to relive a time in their lives that made them feel helpless, hopeless, pain, hurt, or even hate. People can carry this pain with them their entire lives and never talk about it. There have been so many relationships ruined by trauma that the significant other had no idea about. We as people want to appear strong, when we know for a fact that our flesh is weak.


We tend to try to bury our demons deep within us with hope that it never comes out. But let’s be honest, these issues will come to haunt us at some point so why not get ahead of it? In the black community, counseling has always been a form of taboo. No one in most black families like to talk about things that hurt them. This does nothing but create generational issues as we have all seen so many times.

To any man that may be reading this:: Get help king. It does not make you weak to talk to someone about your issues. It does not make you any less of a man. You deserve to heal and you deserve to be free from whatever pain you are harboring.

(Steps anyone can take to start the healing process)

  1. Let me just say that if you haven’t already attempted to seek help, please do. Most companies have programs in place for their employees to seek different mental health treatment options. If you are unsure, contact your HR department and ask about either: Compsych or EAP.
  2. Seeking a counselor/therapist is NOT a weakness, it is actually the strongest thing anyone can do. To be able to acknowledge that we are all not perfect, and that we are ALL dealing with something is very important.
  3. Surround yourself with people that will support you and not down you. Having a support system is probably one of the most important steps in this entire process because they will be the ones to see your progress.

When should this information be shared with your significant other?

  1. Find time for yourself to process everything that was traumatic in your life. Until you are able to confront these traumas yourself, you will never be able to express them to someone else.
  2. Now of course this isn’t a first date conversation, but there’s always a turning point in a relationship when you feel things are getting much more serious.
  3. Make sure it is someone that you can trust and it’s not something that should be shared in EVERY relationship, unless of course you consider all of the relationships serious.

What to do if you’re the person receiving this information?

  1. Have an open mind and don’t judge what they are saying.
  2. Console them and let them know that you are there for them. Remember it’s already a difficult conversation, don’t make them feel any worse than they already do.
  3. Recommend them to seek professional help if they are afraid of the judgement they may receive.

I have been seeing a counselor and it’s one of the best things I could have ever done. I am able to talk about the things that I may never have wanted to reveal to anyone else. It’s pushed me to express myself not only vocally but with my words in this blog. Counseling does not make you crazy, not seeking help can make you crazy.

:Ask yourself:

Does my significant other really know me?

Is there more that I am not telling?

Will I feel a weight lifted off of me if I am able to speak about this?

:Answer this in the comment section below:

Have you and your partner had these difficult conversations? If so, How did it go? If not, why haven’t you discussed these traumas?