Maybe The, Problem’s Me..

“Lookin’ for the love in somebody else

That I prolly shoulda gave to myself

Cycles I need to break in myself

If I’m alone, I’m second to no one else”

-Big Sean

I look back on the friendships and relationships I’ve had and I’m like damn… I’ve really put other people before myself. I was always TOO available. Anytime someone needed me physically, monetarily or even just mentally I was there. I thought being there for them was a form of love. Doing so I didn’t realize how much that broke me. Not giving myself the same love I provided to others was the worst thing I could do. How can you help others but can’t help yourself? Also, it’s funny that half the time you can’t count on these same people to do the same in return.

When he said “cycles I need to break in myself,” that made me think way deeper than I possibly needed to but shit…here we go. I had a very abusive relationship in high school that my family never knew about… (Sorry y’all had to find out this way) but yeah that happened. After that relationship, I yearned being loved. I yearned love from a man because somehow I thought it validated me, to show me there was nothing wrong with me. Fast forward to me getting married, although the signs were there that he possibly wasn’t the man for me, I ignored it because he finally gave me something I YEARNED and that was to be loved/cared about. I’ve now learned that until I love myself, I will never manifest the love I’m looking for.

This last line is tough… “If I’m alone, I’m second to no one else.” This means I am ALWAYS first. These last couple of months have shown me how necessary it is to be alone. I’ve been able to move at my own pace, without feeling like someone else is affected by my decisions. Also, when you are in a relationship you want that person to completely put you first and when that doesn’t happen, it can make you reflect on your worth. Everyone needs to be alone at some point, so when you allow someone into your space you’ll instantly know if they are bringing you peace or pain.

I had a guy recently ask why I was single and the honest answer is: I’ve never been single. I jumped from one relationship to the next hoping to finally find the love I searched so hard for. Now I am okay with being alone. I can sit in the house for hours listening to music, on my laptop and looking through memes lol. Half the time if anyone calls me, I am in my room in my bed with a bonnet on..I am good where I am in my life right now. I have to love me before I give myself to anyone new. I have been half assed loved so much that it’s easy to spot now. I have been used multiple time for based on how I could help somebody else come up and that shit is draining.

I love being single for the first time in my life…