Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·bil·i ·ty noun

  1. the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

It’s lightening outside right now, I have my favorite bath and body works peach Bellini candle burning, while listening to “Tell Him”, by Ms. Lauryn Hill. As I’m listening to the lyrics, I’m realizing how hard it is for me to do the things she is saying in the song because it requires me to open up, and potentially be exposed to hurt.

When she says, “Tell him I need him, tell him I love him,”…..I didn’t sing that part lol. I believe parts of me never wants to feel love again. To completely expose yourself to someone, I mean let them know your life traumas, insecurities, fears, and feelings comes with the possibility of being broken.

I’ve had multiple men tell me I’m not vulnerable enough. Apparently I’m very closed off, and hard to read and it really isn’t shocking news. Idk how to express myself without feeling weak anymore. I can have the strongest feelings for someone and never tell them because of fear of being broken by them or them walking away. Listen… when you’ve expressed feelings and someone else just brushes it off…it can turn you into a cold bitch.

I tried a relationship last year and it was a fucking disaster lmaooooo! I could just tell I wasn’t giving my all to him. I didn’t open up to him and just let him know me at the surface level. Literally what he saw, was what he got. No deep talks, no late night car rides sharing my vision with him..he received who I was at that moment & I knew it wasn’t going to last.

I can’t even cuddle forreal anymore because it puts me in such a vulnerable position 🥴. I used to ask this dude to come cuddle with me and he’s like “bro, you cuddle for 5 minutes then roll back to your side.” I never felt so judged, but the shit was true. To lay on a mans chest, and allow them to hold me (again a vulnerable position) takes a lot of trust….

I talked to my cousin Ryan and told him that all week I had been working on opening my heart chakra. Although it may sound cliche to some, it’s truly working for me. For those that don’t know, the heart chakra:

The heart chakra is associated with compassion, affection, and love. The energy of the heart chakra starts in the center and expands through the chest. This chakra connects the lower and upper chakra, acting as a bridge between earthly matters and higher aspirations.

Signs of balance: The ability to openly give and receive love

Signs of imbalance: The inability to love yourself and others, hatred, depression, grief, selfishness, and jealousy

What blocks the heart chakra: Things like stress and emotional pain — usually caused by bad memories, old programming, emotions, and/or overthinking — can block your heart chakra, and make it difficult for you to form and hold onto healthy relationships.

Opening the heart chakra:

  1. Burn candles, incense or use essential oils.
  2. Repeat positive affirmations about love toward healing by breaking old patterns and directing behaviors in a new direction.
  3. Yoga poses such as the upward facing dog, camel, and bridge drive the chest toward the sky and open the heart.
  4. Using healing stones like rose quartz, jade, green calcite, green tourmaline, or green aventurine to unblock the heart chakra and attract love energy.
  5. Turn negative thoughts regarding love into positive ones.
Ultimately, I want to be vulnerable and trust someone else with all of me. It will just take someone with patience, an understanding of the pain I’ve endured and have a strong love for me, for me to be vulnerable again….

I hope that if anyone is struggling with love, you are able to open your heart again. I hope that compassion, trust and vulnerability finds you and keeps you grounded. 💛